Hard on the Knees
by Lauryl Rhismerith
Summary: After enduring Axel's insults, Zexion decides to prove that he is more than just an intelligent mind. The result: Number VI learns that falling in love is...
1. Prologue: Chemical Reactions

Hard on the Knees

Prologue – Chemical Reactions 

Honestly, I don't understand all this talk about Nobodies being incapable of feeling emotions.

Before I began my apprenticeship with Master Ansem, I had the good fortune to have taken a course in neuroscience, where I had the wool removed from my eyes on a good many "common knowledge" things.

At the top of this list was the belief that emotion is linked to the heart and other bodily fuctions. For example, once upon a time, the popular conception had something to do with blood flow, phlegm, and biles in all manner of colors. If your bile was black, you were prone to melancholia, if you had too much yellow, you were typically angry…blah blah blah.. You can look it up on Wikipedia if you feel the need to know the details.

But of course, it's all crap.

Crap that I suppose the Radiant Garden government taught in order to suppress us.

But that's another story.

Emotions, in reality, are merely the products of chemical reactions in the brain—neurons "firing" and whatnot. Then add or subtract a little dopamine here, a little seratonin there, and you're set. No mystery there, right?

Anyway, while I may not necessarily have a heart—maybe not in the normal sense of the word—I do still have a brain. At least I did the last time I attempted to think.

But the truth is, it doesn't take a genius, or even a mediocre scientist to figure this out; it only takes falling in love yourself when you're a Nobody.

I would know, because it happened to me.


	2. HoleHearted

_Chapter 1 - Hole-Hearted_

"Zexion, when you were whole, did you ever have any girlfriends?" Axel began seriously, which was always a warning of things to come. "I mean, _real_ ones. Not the ones you had on the Internet."

"Go suck an egg."

"Come on, Zex, just answer the question."

The flame fanatic and I were having lunch one afternoon at The Bellyful Stew, Traverse Town's most popular restaurant—well, only restaurant. And before you get any ideas, I'll set you straight right now. The only reason we dined so frequently in Traverse Town was because it was easy to remain inconspicuous there—_not_ because we enjoyed the multicolored lights that reminded us of Christmas.

"Why are you so interested all of a sudden?" I asked, cramming the remainder of my reuben sandwich into my mouth.

Axel took a rude slurp at his soup spoon and regarded me in much the same way as I imagine an evil joker would.

"Dunno. Just making conversation, I guess. I had girlfriends…lots of 'em."

"I bet you did," I tried to sound as bored and uninterested as I could. It didn't work apparently.

"Let's see…" his gaze turned elsewhere, and he started counting off fingers. "There was Angela, Pamela, Sandra, Rita…"

I cleared my throat.

"Mindy, Cindy, Sandy…"

I desperately tried to catch our waiter's eye. Naturally, the table he was helping at the moment was a small group of twelve.

"Aerith…"

"You did _not_ go on a date with Aerith."

"I did too!"

"No you didn't, you fruitcake. I knew her. She's been going out with Cloud since they were practically in diapers."

"They split up for a month."

"Ok, well even if they did, why in the Underworld would she go on a date with you?"

"You know what? I'll go suck that egg, and you can suck my-"

"Pardon me, sirs, but can I get you some refills?"

"Dr. Pepper."

"Lemonade."

The waiter nodded, and hurried away, throwing a nervous glance over his shoulder.

"Axel, you better watch your mouth. We're trying to keep it 'G' rated here."

"I was gonna say twisty straw."

"Sure."

"I swear."

"So what you're saying is that your…_thing_ is twisty? No wonder you had so many girlfriends. None of them lasted very long. Must've been a horrific experience for them."

"Hey, at least I had dates. You'll never have the opportunity."

"Says who?"

"No one needs to say it. It's just obvious. You're short, your hair is weird, you're a nerd, and you lack the skillz." In case you're wondering, yes, Axel accentuated the "zzz."

I sat back in my chair and folded my arms over my chest.

"And what "skillz" would those be, exactly?"

"You know, like how to approach a girl, how to stay cool and calm if she blows you off, and how to win her over anyway."

"You know how to do those things?" was my flat response.

"Are you kidding me? I _invented_ the ways to do those things."

"Ok then, show me, if you're such hot stuff."

"Sure," Axel rubbed his palms together. "But first I need the right specimen. Meet me back at the castle."

-

I found Axel waiting outside of the library. He held a finger to his lips and inched open the door.

"Are you about to hit on _Larxene_?" I asked incredulously.

"SHHHH! She's difficult, so she's the perfect example."

"Axel, this is ridiculous. You realize you're gonna cause more trouble than this is worth?"

"Be quiet, you're dousing my fire." As he slipped through the door, he motioned for me to follow. I decided to do so, as I suddenly realized that I was actually eager to see him get struck by a bolt of lightning. Could his hair get spikier? Hopefully we were about to find out.

Larxene liked to read on the sofa that was in the far right corner of the room. It was surrounded by bookshelves, and so it was easy to spy on her without being noticed.

"Now you stay here, take notes, and be quiet!"

From behind a shelf, I watched Axel swagger over to the blonde, who was reclining as though she were a feline taking a break from her prowling.

"Hey there, gorgeous."

I could see Larxene roll her eyes as she lowered her book.

"And what could you possibly want?"

"Oh, just to see how our little lightning bug is doing." Axel took a seat close to her, forcing her to sit up. Disgust crept onto her face.

"I'm not amused by this."

"Actually, I have to be honest with you. I've been admiring you from afar for some time now, and I was wondering if you'd like to go on a date sometime."

"Sure I would…after I stabbed myself in the throat."

Axel's face contorted into an expression of deep concern.

"Oh, but sweetie, I would never expect you to die for me." He wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

"You are severely disturbed. Now leave, and let me read in peace." She used her thumb and index finger to pinch the sleeve of his robe and gently lift his arm - as if touching him were like touching someone who was infected with the bubonic plague.

"But sugart-"

Larxene suddenly twisted in her seat, grabbed Axel's arm, and stood—yanking him up with her.

"Get out!" she hissed.

Axel rubbed his arm and pouted.

"That hurt."

"It was supposed to."

"You suck."

"Oh, because I won't play your stupid games? Get out." She shoved him toward the door.

"Les-"

"What's that, now?" Larxene raised her eyebrows and voice in challenge.

"Leslie…that was the name of another girl I dated."

"Who gives a flying-"

"Is there a problem here?" a new voice asked.

I turned to see that Marluxia had joined the scenario. He stared down his nose at Axel.

"Oh, I get it," Axel said dismally. "You like _him_, huh?"

Marluxia's haughtiness turned to confusion. He looked back and forth from Axel to Larxene.

"Fine then." Axel glared at the other man. "Go be her hero, Flower Power. See if I care." With that, he turned on his heel and retreated. I followed in close pursuit.

"Well, that was disastrous, to put it lightly."

"You get the point."

"Umm…no?"

"Whatever, I just didn't feel like dealing with Marluxia, alright?"

"Sure, just make sure you don't include that tactic in your next book."

-

While it was known throughout the Organization that you really couldn't take Axel seriously about anything, this interaction with him did have the effect of raising some concerns over my dateless previous existence. It began as a niggling sensation in the back of my mind, and I tried to repress the thoughts, but after about a week, I realized that I had somehow started to care about the issue. Was there something wrong with me? Was I unattractive? Was I too involved in my studies? I only knew of one Nobody that I could consult with about this who would be honest with me while not thinking I was a complete wack-o.

"Do you think it's weird that I never went on any dates or had any girlfriends while I was whole."

Lexaeus stared down at his dinner plate and was silent for several moments, as if attempting to choose words that would not lie or hurt.

"Well, " he finally began. "Seeing that you were nineteen when you became a Nodody…it is somewhat unusual. But then, we were so involved with our work that we didn't have time for those kinds of relationships."

"Lexaeus, don't sugar coat it."

"I'm not. I'm sure that you could have had a girlfriend if you had really wanted one.

Hundreds of girls would have probably been chasing after you."

"You think so? Why?"

"Well, you're smart, and…"

"And?"

"Dedicated."

"Anything else?"

"Funny?"

I clapped my friend on the back in appreciation.

"Nice try, but I guess I should just accept it. I was and will forevermore be undesirable."


	3. Interlude: Philosophical Considerations

Interlude: Philosophical Considerations

As you may already know, if you cared to pay attention in your Western Civilization class, some philosopher once claimed, "I think therefore I am." I never cared to remember his name, as I prefer more empirical evidence when conducting an experiment. However, since becoming a Nobody, I'm finding his statement to be quite relevant to my situation.

We aren't supposed to exist, right?

Well, according to this philosopher we do. And it makes sense. I think, or at least I think I think (but then that's still thinking, isn't it), so I should be "am."

And the tangible proof: if I didn't exist, how was that insufferable girl able to run into me the other day in Traverse Town and completely fall on her face? How was she able to scream at me to watch where I was going? How was I able to pound her face into a bloody pulp?

…

Just kidding.

I guess now's a good time to warn you about my sense of humor. You'll get used to it…maybe.

Anyway, the girl did run into me. And she did yell at me. But if that Hippocrates guy is right, then I'm more of a phlegmatic person, because I remained calm while I kicked her in the stomach.

…

Gotcha again, did I?

Ok, for real this time. Honestly, I hate confrontations. So I stood there like a dumb-struck dumb-ass and let her tear into me. Then stuttered an apology as she stalked off, her short silky black hair swinging and whipping around.

But I was confounded for more than one reason.

This girl was actually shorter than me. Yes, _shorter than me!_

And her butt was kinda cute.

Not kidding on this one.


	4. The First Time Ever I Saw Your?

_Chapter 2: The First Time Ever I Saw Your…???_

Alright, so I know that my report of my encounter with the girl was pretty substandard, especially since she plays a significant role in this story, but did I mention that I don't write romantic comedies?

Yeah, Xemnas really frowns upon those kinds of things.

But it doesn't matter anyway, because the whole thing was rather cliché (and if by chance I _did_ write a romantic comedy, it would be anything but cliché). In fact, the following summary should suffice:

BAM! enter CUTE BUTT GIRL

CBG (sprawled on the ground): Hey! Watch where you're going, you waste of vital

organs!

ME (staring at her butt): Uhhh….

CBG: (standing up and putting her hands on her hips): Were you staring at my butt?

ME (obviously lying): Uhhhh….

CBG: Pervert!

ME (in self-defense): Uhhh…

CBG: What, haven't you ever seen a butt before? (starting to laugh) Or maybe

you've never talked to a girl before!

ME (in unintentional agreement): Uhhh….

CBG (still laughing as she walks away): Ok, well, good luck with that!

ME: S-s-s-sorry!

exit CUTE BUTT GIRL

Yes, it was that bad. I was only thankful that it was a chilly day and I was wearing my hoodie so she couldn't see my face.

So, moving on…

It turns out that I used to know the girl. Her name was Yuffie, and I would frequently see her training on the castle grounds whenever I was on my way to Master Ansem's lab. I never paid her much attention, as I was usually late from oversleeping, but she seemed to have some impressive ninja abilities (whatever those may be). I only met her face-to-face once, but at the time I was ogling some girl named Tifa. And if you know Tifa, I don't need to explain why.

This time, however, Yuffie made a better impression with her derriere. And this made her more attractive to me. Simplistic, I know, but I shouldn't have to remind you that I _am_ a guy, and therefore I think like one (Hmmm… "I am, therefore I think"? What do you have to say about _that_, you boorish Greek philosopher, whoever the hell you are…er, were?)

-

The next time Axel and I had lunch in Traverse Town, I couldn't help but keep an eye out for her. Despite my best efforts to keep her out of my thoughts, she continued to intrigue me.

Did I just see a head of dark hair round the corner by the Accessory Shop? Or did it just slip through the door to the Third District?

"Traverse Town to Number VI. Come in, Number VI. We need a full report from La-La Land."

"Hmmm…? What'd I miss?"

"Good grief. Only the waitress asking you four times for your order."

"A reuben, Axel. I always order a reuben. You know that. She knows that."

"Well, we thought that maybe you'd stop being boring and dull for once in your pitiful non-existence."

Axel was really getting on my last nerve today.

"But no, you seem to be even more bland than usual," he continued.

"I'm not bland," I insisted.

He snorted, then suddenly narrowed his eyes.

"Hmmm… Maybe you're right. You're not your typical flavor of blandness today, you're…distracted. That little conversation we had last week didn't have anything to do with this, did it?"

"What are you talking about?" I feigned nonchalance. Damn his perceptiveness.

"It did!"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Hey, did you meet someone?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"I can't believe it! What's her name?"

I may as well have been talking to the Great Wall of China.

"You know, I don't think I'm hungry right now." I stood and started to open a portal.

"What!? Oh no! You're not getting away that easily! I'll figure out what's going on!" Axel suddenly opened his own portal and disappeared without explanation.

I went ahead and ordered my sandwich while I had the opportunity for peace and quiet. But Axel didn't return.

-

The following day at our morning meeting, I entered the conference hall to find Axel looking awfully smug—more so than usual.

Before I could discover the reason though, Saïx sat down between us and gave Axel a nasty look that I assumed was an order for silence. When Saïx turned away, I caught Axel flipping the Berserker off behind his back, then barring his teeth and curling his fingers into claws.

"He's being disrespectful, isn't he?" Saïx asked me, but it wasn't really a question.

"You know it," was my response.

The Berserker suddenly twisted in his seat and grabbed one of Axel's spikes. Through clenched teeth he warned, "You better cut that out, you understand me?"

Axel squeezed his eyes and hissed in pain. He snagged a wisp of Saïx's hair in retaliation and gave a hard yank, ripping several blue strands from the roots.

With his left hand, Saïx grabbed the collar of Axel's robe, then pulled back his right fist in preparation to slug the flame-wielder. The rest of us stared in anticipation.

"What, may I ask, is all of this about?"

The group's attention turned to Xemnas, who had just entered the room and was now staring at the two Nobodies in stern disapproval.

"Nothing," Axel and Saïx said in unison, and Xemnas began his daily yammering.

The rest of the meeting was uneventful, at least the part I paid attention to.

When the Superior was finally tired of hearing himself talk, he dismissed us, and I was immediately approached by Axel and Demyx.

"Hey Zex, I think we're gonna try to see _Borat _sometime next week. Interested?" Axel asked.

"I dunno. I think that's more of a wait-til-it-comes-out-on-DVD-then-add-it-to-my-Netflix-queue kinda movie."

"Oh, come on, Zexion!" Demyx pleaded. "Don't you enjoy the whole "theatrical experience" of seeing a movie in a movie theater?"

"I have a big screen and surround sound in my room."

"It's not the same," the musician whined.

"Yeah, you need other people there, you know?" Axel cut in.

"And cushy seats!"

"That hurt your knees after sitting in them for too long."

"And movie theater popcorn!

"With the oily butter you can pour on top that leaks out the bottom of the bag and makes your robe all greasy!"

Axel and Demyx were waaaay too excited. In fact, Demyx was bouncing around in a way that bore a striking resemblance to the pee-pee dance.

"Alright, alright! If I say yes, will you two calm down?"

"YES!!" They both cheered.

They started to walk away, but then Axel stopped and looked at me from over his shoulder.

"Oh, and I forgot to mention it. Demyx and I are bringing dates. And we're sitting in the make-out section. You should probably bring a girl so you won't have to be the fifth wheel and all." He frowned, almost sincerely. "Oh yeah, I forgot, you're kinda impaired in that area, huh? Pardon my lack of consideration."

A flush creeped over my face as he winked at me.

To be continued… 

_Author's Note_: You may be wondering why the incident between Saïx and Axel is in here. Simple! They're hot, and there's nothing sexier than two hot guys in a fist fight!

Maybe next time I'll carry it out. Yes? No?


End file.
